SNP Demands All Members Adopt Scottish Names or Change Them

In a move that has left many scratching their heads and others chuckling into their morning tea, the Scottish National Party (SNP) has announced a new policy directive aimed at bolstering its Scottish credentials: all members must either have Scottish names or change them to ones more in line with traditional Scottish nomenclature.

The brainchild of SNP's eccentric chairperson, Angus MacFergus, the policy has been met with a mixture of amusement and bewilderment. "We cannot afford to have a single member whose name doesn't sing the sweet melody of the Highlands," proclaimed MacFergus in a press conference that left journalists wondering if they had inadvertently wandered onto the set of a Monty Python sketch.

Under the new guidelines, members whose names are deemed insufficiently Scottish will be required to undergo a renaming process. They will choose from a list of pre-approved Scottish names or consult with a panel of kilt-clad elders who will assign them a suitable moniker. Those who refuse to comply will be kindly shown the door, bagpipes playing mournfully in the background.

Critics have been quick to point out the potential pitfalls of such a policy. "What about members with names like Patel or Wong who have lived in Scotland for generations?" asked one bewildered observer. "Are we to believe that their commitment to Scottish values is somehow diminished because their names don't sound like they've been plucked from the pages of a Burns poem?"

Others have raised concerns about the logistical nightmare of implementing such a scheme. "Are we going to have a government-funded Name Change Office?" questioned a skeptical onlooker. "And who gets to decide which names are Scottish enough? Is there a Gaelic pronunciation test involved?"

Meanwhile, social media has exploded with memes and jokes poking fun at the SNP's latest gambit. One Twitter user quipped, "I guess I'll be changing my name from Susan to Sìneadh, then," while another suggested, "Can we look forward to Nicola Sturgeon becoming Nicola McSalmon?"

In response to the backlash, MacFergus remained undeterred. "This is about preserving the integrity of our party and our nation," he declared, his sporran jiggling defiantly. "We will not rest until every SNP member proudly bears a name that resonates with the spirit of Caledonia!"

As the dust settles on this latest chapter in Scottish political absurdity, one thing is certain: whether you're a MacGregor or a Patel, navigating the ever-changing landscape of Scottish nationalism promises to be anything but dull.